On Sustaining Love

When I was younger and dreamt about love, I always thought about firsts. The first time he’d catch me staring and we smile. The first time we’d be left alone together. The first time he’d hold my hand. And I’d go numb all over.

Now, when dreaming about love, I think about being years, decades in.

I think about my closest friends, some who I’ve known for over ten years.

My friend T always shakes someone’s hand right after they’ve made her laugh. When he hears a Taylor Swift song, J always sings the lyrics to “Love Story”. Like it doesn’t matter what Taylor Swift song is actually playing. S always orders a diet coke with lemon but never drinks it. A always mixes up his curse words (i.e “What the shit”). M’s favorite color used to be orange. Now, it’s green.

In Good Will Hunting, there is a scene where Robin William’s character, Sean, is so giddy describing his wife who passed away from cancer. He remembered that she used to fart in her sleep. To most people, that’s pretty unappealing, an embarrassing imperfection. Not to him. To him, it’s this detail that he is so delighted and honored to share. To him, it’s one of the details about her he misses the most. He provides this as an example for what real intimacy is:

“Will, she's been dead two years and that's the shit I remember. Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That's what made her my wife. Oh she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but they're not. Ah, that's the good stuff.”

Now, whenever I dream about love, I think about this. All the potential idiosyncrasies, the details you can unlock only when you’ve shared a lot of life with someone. Years. Decades. I even dream about all the work it will take. Learning how to reveal and accept imperfections. How to work through insecurities, through conflict. I dream about being a team doing the hard work to stay together. I dream about real intimacy, about sustained love.

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I think about my parents.

My parents have been married for over 35 years. 13 years ago, my dad was diagnosed with late stage cancer. He is managing to survive but it is painful and there has not been a week since the diagnosis where my mom has not cried. Not a single week in the past thirteen years.

There are some days where she will get up at 6am, make him breakfast with three different types of drinks, go to work, pick up an overtime shift, get organic groceries from 2 different stores, cook dinner and then they get in a fight. Like married couples do. Maybe because he’s been in pain all day or he’s feeling insecure, he sometimes says unfair things. About her level of commitment, about her character. Sometimes, she’ll storm away, threatening to leave. But a few hours later, without him asking, she’ll kneel on the ground in front of him, dress his wounds and massage his feet because she knows he’s suffering. That is what I know of love.

It is a fucking incredible feat to be able to sustain love for 5, 10, 20+ years. There is so much honor in a relationship like that. It requires tremendous work. In any long-term relationship, there must have been times where the people in it could not stand each other. That they thought they could be better off alone or with someone else. But they chose, instead of separating, to say you know what, we’re going to make it work. By choosing to go on more dates, mustering up genuine curiosity for each other, by focusing and being grateful for what is there. They both chose to find new ways to fall in love with each other. And to keep making sacrifices. Unimaginable sacrifices over and over and over again. The kind of sacrifices my mom has made for my dad. And vice versa. In her poem, Sue Zhao, explains how sacrifice is critical in love:

“I do think that love is very often about sacrifice. I mean sacrifice as in choosing, as in effort. I mean choosing as in the allocation of time, and energy, and the making of space and the setting aside of prejudices and the keeping of an open mind. I mean leaving the last half-slice of cake in the fridge; working late into Thursday evening to spend Friday evening together; picking them up at the train station even though they’ve long memorized the route to your flat. Even when it’s a sacrifice happily made, a choice readily chosen, it is still the giving up one life in favour of another. And I think it’s important to recognize that. I could be living a different life but I am choosing to live a life with you. It is a sacrifice. The stakes are that high. And I do it anyway. I do it because it’s you. I do it because I love you”

Every relationship with a potential partner deserves to be treated with immense respect and care. I’ve never really enjoyed “casual dating”. And to be honest, I have a hard time understanding people who do. When people joke about the roster of people they’re dating and how they don’t really like any of them and they actually just miss their ex, I feel like shaking them. It just feels irresponsible. Why would they continue to date someone who they don’t see a future with? And if there is serious potential with someone, why wouldn’t they give it the singular attention and focus it deserves? Do they not understand? How much it can impact? How much it can cost? In an interview with The Paris Review, Maya Angelou, said:

“But to grow up costs the Earth, the Earth. It means you take responsibility for the time you take up, for the space you occupy. It’s serious business.”

I feel that way about relationships. Growing up, I saw how much one commitment can cost two people. Vacations, career, time, money, family, a peace of mind. My parents gave up all this and more for each other. They gave up the Earth. So yes, I understand how high the stakes can be for a commitment between two people. I also understand how it can pay off, a thousand times over.

My dad includes my mom’s nickname in all of his passwords. Twice in the important ones. He said he can tell when she’s missing me because she’ll go into my room and shuffle things around for no reason. When she does that, he always reminds me to call her. My dad often tries to hide when he’s in pain, so she doesn’t get worried or have to do anything extra. Despite his best efforts, my mom can always tell, and she’ll care for him anyway. I’ve heard her praying about how she wishes she could get sicker instead of him. I don’t think he would have survived without her. It may be complicated but they know each other in ways, they love each other in ways that is just not possible unless you’ve shared all that life. Over 35 years of life together. They share a profound level of intimacy.

In the movie The Fabelman’s, a dad tells his son as he’s putting him to bed

“You can’t just love something, you also have to take care of it.”

When I was younger, I used to dream about falling in love. The thrill of all those firsts. But now, I believe that the real impact and honor is in sustaining love. In taking care of it. I dream about that now.

Appendix

Footnote: I think there are so many people who enjoy casual dating and do it respectfully and it’s so good for them. I mostly wrote this because I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to dating, have made so many mistakes and was trying to figure out why I personally was feeling insecure about how sensitive and serious I can be when it comes to dating / break-ups compared to other people my age. Writing this helped me process partially why I might be that way.

Also, obviously there are so many valid, genuine, good reasons for people to break-up and it doesn’t make sense to stay in the relationship for the sake of it. I have tremendous respect for people who are brave enough to exit a relationship when they know it’s not a good fit.

Particularly inspired by the following:

• My parents

• A lot of my friend’s parents

• 

• This poem:

  

• Good Will Hunting

• Robert Waldinger’s Research